Thursday, November 21, 2019

Snow in Canada

 - or 30 days to a nervous breakdown...

It started snowing. The first snow this year. My wife and I took our cocktails and sat at the window for hours watching huge wise flakes float down from the sky. It looked like a fairy tale. So romantic - we felt like newlyweds. I love the snow.

December 9 
When we woke up again, a huge, beautiful blanket of white snow had covered every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a better place in the world? Moving here was the best idea I ever had in my life. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a little boy again. I shoveled the driveway and the sidewalk. This afternoon the snowplow passed by and pushed everything back in, so I took the shovel out again. What a great life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our beautiful snow. What a disappointment. But my neighbor says that I shouldn't worry, we will have a white Christmas. No snow at Christmas would be terrible. Bob says that we will have so much snow by the end of the year that I never want to see snow again. I don't think anything like that is possible. Bob is very nice - I am glad that he is our neighbor.

December 14 
Snow, wonderful snow! 30 cm last night. The temperature has dropped to - 20 degrees. This cold makes everyone sparkle. The wind takes your breath away, but I warmed up while shoveling. This is life. By the way, the snowplow came back this afternoon and pushed everything back in. I don't know if I have to shovel that much anymore, but it will get me back into shape. I wished, however, that I would not have to gasp and puff so much.

December 15 
60 cm snowfall forecast. I sold my station wagon and bought a jeep. At the same time a set of winter tires for my wife's car and two extra shovels. I filled the fridge. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity fails. I find that ridiculous - after all, we are not in Alaska here.

December 16 
Ice storm this morning. I fell on my ass trying to sprinkle salt in the driveway. Hellish hurting. My wife laughed for an hour. I find that quite cruel.

December 17 
The temperature is still far below zero. The roads are too icy to go anywhere. The power went out for five hours. I had to wrap myself in blankets in order not to freeze to death No TV. Nothing happens but to stare at my wife and try to irritate her. Now I think we should have bought a wood stove, but I would never admit that.

December 20 
The power's back on. But also 40 cm of this damn white stuff last night! That means for me even more shoveling. It took the whole day. The fucking snowplow came by twice today. I tried to persuade the neighbor children to shovel snow. But they say they don't have time because they have to play hockey. I think they are lying!

December 21
I wanted to buy a snow cutter. But they didn't have anymore. We won't get any back until March. But I think they are lying as well. Bob tells me that I urgently need to shovel snow, or the city will do it and send me a bill.

December 22
Bob was right about the white Christmas. Tonight we had another 30 cm of the white stuff. It is so cold that the snow will probably not melt until August. Today it took me 45 minutes to get dressed for shoveling. But then I had to pee. When I finally undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. I tried to hire my neighbor Bob to push snow for the rest of the winter. He's got a snow-blower on his truck, but he says he's got too much to do. But I think the motherfucker is lying.

December 23 
Only 10 cm of fresh snow today. It has warmed up to 0 degrees. My wife wanted me to decorate the house today. Maybe she is crazy. I have no time for it. At least I have to shovel snow. Why didn't she tell me about decorating a month ago? She says she did. But I think she is lying.

December 24 
20 cm of fresh snow. The snow is so firmly pushed together by the snowplow that I have broken off the shovel. I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever get this ass driving the snowplow, I will punch him!

December 25 
Merry Christmas. Again 60 cm from the white sh....  The thought of snow shovels makes my blood boil. God how I hate snow. Then the driver of the snowplow passed by. He asked politely for a donation. I pulled the shovel over his head. My wife says that I have no manners.  But I think she is an idiot.  If I have to listen to her Wolfgang Petry's CD again, I will kill her.

December 26 
We're still snowed in. Why on earth did we move here? It was all YOUR idea. She gets on my nerves so much.

December 27 
Temperature's dropped to -30 degrees. The water pipes are frozen. And broke...

December 28 
It warmed up to - 5 degrees. We are still snowed in.

December 29 
Another 30 cm of snow. Bob says to clear the roof or it will collapse. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. How stupid everybody thinks I am.

December 30
The roof collapsed. The snowplow driver will sue me for DM 50,000 in damages. My wife went to her mother. They predicted another 25 cm of snow.

December 31
I ignited the rest of the house. Never will shovel snow again.

January 8 
I'm all right. I'm all right. I like the little pills they give me all the time. Why am I tied to the bed?



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